Everything changes
#7
Hi Bunknown - I particularly liked the repeat of the final line in each stanza - The rhyme roles along nicely and although most lines have the pleasing eight beats there are a few exceptions which rather spoil the flow - Some alternative suggestions below

(11-24-2012, 02:39 AM)bunknown Wrote:  She says to me “we should forget our past
for it was convivial while it last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, shes got to go
for she is rushed to watch her favorite show For she must watch her favourite show
She reaches out like a hugging mime Vivid image here
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now i know that all has changed
I feel so low, hurt, estranged
But i try to play her game, last time. Though nine beats, this might work better ...Yet I play her game a final time
I hold her close like she is mine.

Hey everyone, this is my second poem. Very personal and i thought it was good so i posted it here Smile

I used Leanne's practice exercise for the kyrielle. I'd suggest all new comers should check them out
All in all I enjoyed your poem and look forward to reading more from
Bunknown.
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Messages In This Thread
Everything changes - by bunknown - 11-24-2012, 02:39 AM
RE: Everything changes - by cidermaid - 11-24-2012, 04:04 AM
RE: Everything changes - by bunknown - 11-24-2012, 04:40 AM
RE: Everything changes - by cidermaid - 11-24-2012, 06:07 AM
RE: Everything changes - by Leanne - 11-24-2012, 06:09 AM
RE: Everything changes - by billy - 11-24-2012, 02:01 PM
RE: Everything changes - by Art Deco - 11-25-2012, 10:22 PM



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