11-25-2012, 07:35 PM
Hi Wo_ozz
At first sight (excuse the pun ..i'm in one of those daft moods) I'm sory to say that the look of the poem was pehaps a bit messy in respect of the visual appeal. This is not nessasaritly a problem, just a first thought that struck me. The three longer lines look like they should be divided in half. Perhaps a re-work to trim out some of the extra words and make it more condensed.
On reading I did like the story and the thought ideas and you kept nicly to the subject all the way through.
But i found the telling a bit on the narative side and felt that it would be improved with a little structure and perhaps a few more rhymes or some other poetic devise to enhance the flow of the read.
Although I did particularly like attention spontaneously coupled with stage fright simultaneously. That was smooth and sweet on the ear.
For me the third stanza was the strongest, even with the longer last line.
Thanks for shareing and as ever i mention that i don't offer any thought as an expert, so try to take my advise or suggestion as just that, and keep allowing your inner vioce and heart to speak and have confidance in what you have to say.
At first sight (excuse the pun ..i'm in one of those daft moods) I'm sory to say that the look of the poem was pehaps a bit messy in respect of the visual appeal. This is not nessasaritly a problem, just a first thought that struck me. The three longer lines look like they should be divided in half. Perhaps a re-work to trim out some of the extra words and make it more condensed.
On reading I did like the story and the thought ideas and you kept nicly to the subject all the way through.
But i found the telling a bit on the narative side and felt that it would be improved with a little structure and perhaps a few more rhymes or some other poetic devise to enhance the flow of the read.
Although I did particularly like attention spontaneously coupled with stage fright simultaneously. That was smooth and sweet on the ear.
For me the third stanza was the strongest, even with the longer last line.
Thanks for shareing and as ever i mention that i don't offer any thought as an expert, so try to take my advise or suggestion as just that, and keep allowing your inner vioce and heart to speak and have confidance in what you have to say.