11-25-2012, 06:49 PM
As much for myself as for others reading. (I keep forgetting the final sequence and I've written two of them)
A quick check over the rules for a pantoum (More like guideline for some).
Form with repeating lines throughout the poem.
A series of quatrains.
Second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated as the first and third lines of the next.
So on and so forth until the final stanza....
...The first line of last stanza = second line of penultimate
Second line of the last stanza, is the third of the first stanza
Third line = fourth of penultimate
And finally the last line of the final stanza is taken from the first line of the first stanza
Ideally, the meaning of lines shifts when they are repeated although the words remain exactly the same: this can be done by shifting punctuation, punning, or simply recontextualizing.
I loved this Keep up the good work :
Hours of fun!
Hi Billy,
I loved your pantoum although it did go somewhat off form in the final stanza. Perhaps a review of the rules i have posted above might be of some help.
I felt that the marriage between poetic form and subject choice was well made and the rhythmical comming and going of the repeating lines added emphasis to the story.
I notice that you seam to particularly enjoy this subject matter and that it has featured frequently in other works. Whilst for the current job in hand of working over this poem, this is not relevant, comsumer fatigue might be relevant if you are ever considering a collected works. If you repeatedly hoist your ensign you may either wear it out or break your rudder and be pernamently stuck at hard to port. Whilst I can appreciate that for you this might not be such a problem and certainly this poem would not come under such critisim, as I mentioned, overuse can cause problems went considering applications in wider circulation.
Meanwhile back at the poem. I felt that you had some lovely strong images that not only kept my attention but also supplied plenty of concrete information by which I could follow and understand the story.
I did find a couple of small nits that spoilt my enjoyment. The use of the rabbit's noose symbol threw me, in that I had to go and look it up. Although it is always good to extend one's vocabulary, so thank you for this. This line is actually very clever and an excellent example of how use of slang and parocial language can make for econimical use of line space whilst conveying a deeper or lenghty subject.
My second was that perhaps the referance to a shot gun was a little close to a cliche. But perhaps others will have some different thoughts on this.
All in all I thought this was a well exicuted effort that has a lot going for it. Perhaps if you could just tidy up the ending (after having made such a prommising start), because i feel that to make a good ending is highly desirable as this will leave the comsumer wanting to come back for more.
Thanks for the share I enjoyed the read
A quick check over the rules for a pantoum (More like guideline for some).
Form with repeating lines throughout the poem.
A series of quatrains.
Second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated as the first and third lines of the next.
So on and so forth until the final stanza....
...The first line of last stanza = second line of penultimate
Second line of the last stanza, is the third of the first stanza
Third line = fourth of penultimate
And finally the last line of the final stanza is taken from the first line of the first stanza
Ideally, the meaning of lines shifts when they are repeated although the words remain exactly the same: this can be done by shifting punctuation, punning, or simply recontextualizing.
I loved this Keep up the good work :
Hours of fun!
Hi Billy,
I loved your pantoum although it did go somewhat off form in the final stanza. Perhaps a review of the rules i have posted above might be of some help.
I felt that the marriage between poetic form and subject choice was well made and the rhythmical comming and going of the repeating lines added emphasis to the story.
I notice that you seam to particularly enjoy this subject matter and that it has featured frequently in other works. Whilst for the current job in hand of working over this poem, this is not relevant, comsumer fatigue might be relevant if you are ever considering a collected works. If you repeatedly hoist your ensign you may either wear it out or break your rudder and be pernamently stuck at hard to port. Whilst I can appreciate that for you this might not be such a problem and certainly this poem would not come under such critisim, as I mentioned, overuse can cause problems went considering applications in wider circulation.
Meanwhile back at the poem. I felt that you had some lovely strong images that not only kept my attention but also supplied plenty of concrete information by which I could follow and understand the story.
I did find a couple of small nits that spoilt my enjoyment. The use of the rabbit's noose symbol threw me, in that I had to go and look it up. Although it is always good to extend one's vocabulary, so thank you for this. This line is actually very clever and an excellent example of how use of slang and parocial language can make for econimical use of line space whilst conveying a deeper or lenghty subject.
My second was that perhaps the referance to a shot gun was a little close to a cliche. But perhaps others will have some different thoughts on this.
All in all I thought this was a well exicuted effort that has a lot going for it. Perhaps if you could just tidy up the ending (after having made such a prommising start), because i feel that to make a good ending is highly desirable as this will leave the comsumer wanting to come back for more.
Thanks for the share I enjoyed the read