Everything changes

[billy]

great effort. i see you used time twice in the rhyme scheme, could you change one for something else. i see Leanne has pointed out the meter probs so i'll not go there. though i'd suggest substituting 'wants' for 'asks for' or another option would be to remove the 'just'. the refrain does it's job well and carries a sense of 'if it's all i can have then i'll take it.'

thanks for the read.

She says to me “we should forget our past
for it was convivial while it last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, shes got to go she's
for she is rushed to watch her favorite show
She reaches out like a hugging mime
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now i know that all has changed
I feel so low, hurt, estranged
But i try to play her game, last time.
I hold her close like she is mine.

Hey everyone, this is my second poem. Very personal and i thought it was good so i posted it here

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I used Leanne's practice exercise for the kyrielle. I'd suggest all new comers should check them out