11-24-2012, 06:19 AM
Well, I've read a fair few attempts to marry science and poetry and almost always a sinking feeling arrives before long. I got to the 4th verse before it arrived so you've done well.
You flung stars like fireflies
to burn holes into night’s hunger,
to ignite the shine of galaxies;
dust infused with the brilliance
of Your image.
The first 2 lines are so good they almost make the 3rd superfluous
You, the cloudless day—
clouds now forgotten, a judgment
beyond remembrance, as the water - I understand the judgment and the waters but not "clouds now forgotten". Surely they come after the cloudless day?
that rose. The ocean does not inhabit - no longer inhabits?
the shell, but each one still speaks
in bloodless whispers
of the drowned lisping
toward that final day - I like what you're saying here but why "lisping"?
when all shall be put to rest
beneath that Tree
brought into uniform motion
with Your presence.
Our fall,
a sacrifice of light
speed, darkness the event
horizon that made You appear
to slow down.
The above verse is where you lose me. It's almost certainly my fault not yours, but it reads like gobbledegook.
You flung stars like fireflies
to burn holes into night’s hunger,
to ignite the shine of galaxies;
dust infused with the brilliance
of Your image.
The first 2 lines are so good they almost make the 3rd superfluous
You, the cloudless day—
clouds now forgotten, a judgment
beyond remembrance, as the water - I understand the judgment and the waters but not "clouds now forgotten". Surely they come after the cloudless day?
that rose. The ocean does not inhabit - no longer inhabits?
the shell, but each one still speaks
in bloodless whispers
of the drowned lisping
toward that final day - I like what you're saying here but why "lisping"?
when all shall be put to rest
beneath that Tree
brought into uniform motion
with Your presence.
Our fall,
a sacrifice of light
speed, darkness the event
horizon that made You appear
to slow down.
The above verse is where you lose me. It's almost certainly my fault not yours, but it reads like gobbledegook.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.