Everything changes

[Leanne]

Hi bunknown, thanks for playing kyrielles! I think you've done quite a good job of working out the reason behind a refrain and you use the form well. There are some bumps that are easy enough to smooth over -- this just comes with practise. The important thing is, you've used it to good effect.

You have four beats in your refrain (yours is iambic tetrameter: daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM) and it's best to keep the same meter throughout the poem, so that's what I'd suggest using. I'm going to do a quick rewrite for you that fixes some of your meter problems, but this is only to show you how it's done, there's no requirement for you to pay any attention to it whatsoever

She says to me, "forget our past.
We laughed and loved; it could not last.”
She asks for intimacy just one more time (I can't think of a substitute at the moment, but this needs to be a two-syllable word)
I hold her close like she is mine.

She packs her things, she's got to go
in time to watch her favorite show
She reaches out in hugging mime
I hold her close like she is mine.

But now I know that all has changed
I feel so low, so hurt, estranged
I try to play her game, last time
I hold her close like she is mine.

Tiny little changes except for a couple of word choices that made it impossible to keep the meter. Hope that helps a little