11-24-2012, 04:04 AM
Hi, Welcome. I read your first poem and it's lovely to see your second as well.
Your poem has a tangeble bitter / sweet feel to it that made it real and kept my attention, but it has a few grammatical errors that really tripped me up and spoilt the read (which can soon be put right)
Here are those that really stuck out for me:- L5 She’s, L6 Favourite, and capitalise the I in L9&11. In L2 the correct tense would be lasted. Re-checking your punctuation would also help the read.
There are a couple of places where perhaps ou need to work on the sentence structure.
She reaches out like a hugging mime. This is awkward and perhaps needs a re think. Doing a hugging mime. or perhaps In a hugging mime. These will improve the sentence construction....but you also need to be happy with the flow and feel. So don't worry about what I suggest....These are just my thoughts and I'm frequently wrong.
I loved the more formal structures and you have made good use the end rhyme sequence. The use of the kyrielle last line repetitions, in particular I felt really worked well for the poem subject.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. If you are new to this, you are doing some great stuff already.
Your poem has a tangeble bitter / sweet feel to it that made it real and kept my attention, but it has a few grammatical errors that really tripped me up and spoilt the read (which can soon be put right)
Here are those that really stuck out for me:- L5 She’s, L6 Favourite, and capitalise the I in L9&11. In L2 the correct tense would be lasted. Re-checking your punctuation would also help the read.
There are a couple of places where perhaps ou need to work on the sentence structure.
She reaches out like a hugging mime. This is awkward and perhaps needs a re think. Doing a hugging mime. or perhaps In a hugging mime. These will improve the sentence construction....but you also need to be happy with the flow and feel. So don't worry about what I suggest....These are just my thoughts and I'm frequently wrong.
I loved the more formal structures and you have made good use the end rhyme sequence. The use of the kyrielle last line repetitions, in particular I felt really worked well for the poem subject.
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. If you are new to this, you are doing some great stuff already.