11-22-2012, 05:07 PM
i really like the content in this 
me own critique of this would be..
"And I'd wear it somewhere around here,
Over my heart, stitched to my chest. " <<
Disappointed my mother." << don't think these lines is needed as you poem as a whole already gives that impression ?
line 16 "My life is nothing but an empty carriage," <<< you changed the flow of the rhyme in this line...IMO needs a break an become a 2nd stanza..otherwise you kinda stumble over it
line 32 "Besides," for no other reason than me own OCD about keeping things symetrical as possible I'd turn into a 3rd stanza if you did change line 16 into a 2nd stanza
those is just the things that stood out for me but yeah i enjoyed this a lot...anyone who wants to kill/rob/pillage/burn a bank/banker is ok by me
me own critique of this would be.."And I'd wear it somewhere around here,
Over my heart, stitched to my chest. " <<
Disappointed my mother." << don't think these lines is needed as you poem as a whole already gives that impression ?
line 16 "My life is nothing but an empty carriage," <<< you changed the flow of the rhyme in this line...IMO needs a break an become a 2nd stanza..otherwise you kinda stumble over it
line 32 "Besides," for no other reason than me own OCD about keeping things symetrical as possible I'd turn into a 3rd stanza if you did change line 16 into a 2nd stanza
those is just the things that stood out for me but yeah i enjoyed this a lot...anyone who wants to kill/rob/pillage/burn a bank/banker is ok by me