11-21-2012, 09:44 AM
You sell yourself way too short sometimes, you dopey redneck bastard.
You've used the ambiguity of grammar to great effect here, especially with those bookends. The one place it really doesn't work is the full stop after break -- that's not a sentence that makes sense on its own. It needs some revision but I'm not sure precisely what at this point. I do think you should have "The mold" starting as it does, and I like having a full stop after "break", you just need to fix that first line up.
That's a clever bit of self-discovery you've done, sir
You've used the ambiguity of grammar to great effect here, especially with those bookends. The one place it really doesn't work is the full stop after break -- that's not a sentence that makes sense on its own. It needs some revision but I'm not sure precisely what at this point. I do think you should have "The mold" starting as it does, and I like having a full stop after "break", you just need to fix that first line up.
That's a clever bit of self-discovery you've done, sir
It could be worse