11-19-2012, 08:56 AM
Excellent feedback from Todd and I actually don't have a lot to add to that content breakdown except to say that because you start with a Blake reference, I'd make sure the symbols you choose are biblical ones (as much as I love pirates) for the sake of continuity. Adding too many layers of intertext can make a poem lose direction as the readers sometimes have to battle to sort it all out.
Meter-wise, you could continue the iambic pentameter you have in the first two lines or you could choose to go with the hymnal style of Blake's Jerusalem, which is iambic tetrameter (four beats/ eight syllables instead of five beats/ ten syllables). Pentameter might be the go, in which case my suggestion for the first stanza would be:
A verdant bed in pleasant pastures green,
did sooth the eye and cause the mind to dream.
A peaceful heart contentedly encumbered
soon slips toward the traps of sloth and slumber.
Both eyes and ears are closed, with not a fear,
refusing any need to see or hear.
Meter-wise, you could continue the iambic pentameter you have in the first two lines or you could choose to go with the hymnal style of Blake's Jerusalem, which is iambic tetrameter (four beats/ eight syllables instead of five beats/ ten syllables). Pentameter might be the go, in which case my suggestion for the first stanza would be:
A verdant bed in pleasant pastures green,
did sooth the eye and cause the mind to dream.
A peaceful heart contentedly encumbered
soon slips toward the traps of sloth and slumber.
Both eyes and ears are closed, with not a fear,
refusing any need to see or hear.
It could be worse