Not out

[Todd]

Hi cidermaid,

Meter isn't something I spend a lot of time with so I'll leave that part to others. I'd like to focus on your content and clarity. I didn't read your explanation (thanks for the spoiler alert). My comments below:

For James - Not out!

A verdant bed in pleasant pastures green,
did sooth the eye and cause the mind to dream.
A heart so contentedly encumbered,
soon slips to sloth and slumber.
Both ear and eye closed, none fearing,
no longer heed to seeing, hearing.

The language in S1 feels a little stilted especially in the last couplet. So, here's my take from this. The speaker is contemplating a pastoral scene. The comment on causing the mind to dream sounds like the speaker is making plans with what they see. Maybe tied into personal ambition. Their emotions (heart) buys into the dream. They because lazy and unaware. From none fearing to the end you get a sense that the speaker didn't think anyone existed to cause the dream to be upset. There were signs to see and hear but they went ignored.

The fruit of this most verdant bed,
Costly cedar beams, in place instead
of perishable pine… now consigned,
to be fragrant firs in the rafters aligned.
A forest of fruitful apple trees - each yielding.
Yet in truth… Mammon his dagger was wielding.

The fruit would suggest to me. The return gained through fulfilling the dream. The line break on instead feels a bit off. What it seems to be doing is contradicting the fruit line. I realize this screws up your rhyme but it feels like for content you need to break on place or redo the line entirely. I'm a little lost with the various woods. We have costly ceder beams in place instead of the pine. Which suggests that a lot of money is going into development. Is the ceder being replaced by firs because of some setback. I'm sorry I got lost in the sequence. I feel like rhyme is replacing clarity. Is it a forest of apple trees or a grove or an orchard? I'm not an apple expert but is forest really the right word. Okay so there seems to be some payoff for the dream as the apples are producing fruit literally, or figuratively it's a metaphor for bounty. Then we get to an abrupt shift to Mammon. So, the gain is associated with ungodly riches. Or the love of money brought down the dream. Severed business partners since you introduce a dagger maybe? I'm not sure how fond I am of the phrase Mammon's dagger since a dagger doesn't suggest to me ungodly riches. It could just be me of course.

Through an’ through the dagger finds its mark.
His goal to oust the rightful keeper of the heart,
He’ll take the worship and gain the throne,
Given – taken, that which belongs to God alone.
The net is cast. The snare is set.
For thirty pieces the terms are met.

line two: should it be its goal not his? The first two lines then: someone got greedy. Given-taken feels a bit awkward. So, this person who was taken over by greed did a Judas like betrayal. A lot of biblical imagery here.

The clouds that gathered in the morn,
Were nothing compared to the final storm.
Thus dulled and weakened. Half asleep.
I heard a thunderous beat; locusts - eating as they leap
Came the sliding serpent and at a trot, a little fox,
triumphant they took the contract from the box.

Okay more biblical imagery: plagues, the little foxes referenced in the wisdom literature, or if you like Samson and the Philistines burning the fields with torches. Then we get to a contract maybe coming from a safe. I found that a little jarring. It felt like the archaic was crashing into the modern

Then gathered the beasts at the goodly feast,
Growling ‘ere they went, “The last get least!”
For eighteen months the fire storm raged,
whilst dust to dust our dreams were laid.
Consuming all this ravening hoard,
Commanded the captain to walk the board.

It's at this point that I'm starting to notice how long this is. It's not holding my attention as well as it should. What that probably means is that you have a narrative in mind and you're being too rigidly attached to it. It could just be me. The first two lines feel consistent with the imagery. I like the last get least because it's a reversal on the first will be last. This feels Daniel or Revelation--apocalyptic. Line 3 is modern again, and it is just as jarring. Dust to dust is a cliche that you may want to avoid. Line 5: I'm back to the horde (check your spelling, homonym). Yet in the final line we have a captain walking the plank. It feels out of place.

They seized the helm. Ditched the cargo,
and broke the mast as a trade embargo.
When all was lost; she breathed her last.
Then to the sharks the crew were cast.
Gathering pirates came to acquire; to pick
over the bones that the beasts had licked.

Okay, here's my opinion choose one set of images or another. Biblical or Pirate. The pirate actually reads well so up to you. I think both sets of imagery together are confusing. Pick and licked feels forced.

Thus on the shores of hope forlorn
I awoke, surveyed and much did mourn;
What could have been, should have been.
The treasures seen, the crumbling dreams.
Of pleasant things once counted best,
Consumed by fire in a cedar chest.

Much did mourn sounds awkward. I like the last four lines here a lot. They sound good. I had a minor bump with not having a what before should, but it was minor. These last four lines have a good pace and sound well read out loud.

The sound of my lament rose higher,
Fuelled by anger. Burning like fire.
“What now of those who need to sup,
Beneath this roof, take from our cup?”
“No more to draw from this great store...
their need is great – alas we have no more!”

The more I read the ship imagery the more I like it. I would be in favor of eliminating the biblical plagues and Judas in favor of this as it seems so much tighter.

Over this clamour, subduing the tantrum,
A song of praise, a shining lantern.
Rising from the mouldering dust,
the truth, the cost of my great lust.
Misplaced trust and worship; uncovered.
A heart unfettered, love re-discovered.

I've learned on this site that my US spelling may not correspond to the UK. If you are from the US drop the "u" in clamour and mouldering otherwise leave them alone. Again you've gotten stronger at the end and you've pulled me in. It's like you wrote for awhile until you found out what you wanted to say. The field, the apples, the dream is largely unneeded if you handle this pirate area the right way. I'm not saying that anything earlier is bad it just feels like two poems on the same topic. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Then fixed my heart on heavenly wealth
Eyes, ears renewed, sharp with health.
My thoughts rise up from the funeral pyre
Beyond the skies, higher and higher.
Till resting on the highest throne
give praise to God and him alone.

Now we're back to the biblical images and this doxology. I could be wrong but while this has nice pace and crisp writing, to me this is poem one and I've just moved away from poem 2.

Within the warehouse of heavenly stores,
Abundant provision, always more!
No arm of flesh nor feeble frame,
Should ere be trusted with glory or fame.
Only one there is who could hold that cup
Beloved face, unto whom my gaze is lifted up.

Again poem 1 and the syntax feels inverted and off to me. I also am not a fan of moving back to ere it's a bit jarring.

Long will I gaze with lingering looks
And bless the name that gave and took.
‘twas always his and never mine.
A gift of grace, loaned for a short time.
A blessing. Here today then gone tomorrow;
Yet praise will fill this heart - not sorrow.

And now we have Job. Here today then gone tomorrow is a cliche that deserves a substitute.

I hope some of this is helpful. If it isn't please ignore. If I was unclear let me know.

Best,

Todd