11-19-2012, 05:28 AM
Hello. I read the explanatory notes and I have to say I wouldn't have grasped the story without them. Even then, the 2nd verse I don't really get. There's a lot of the Biblical parable about the tale, which is ok, but then it seems to go for a long while simply to draw the conclusion that all's for the best in the best of all possible worlds.
Leanne mentioned problems with the metre. I thought so too.
A heart so contentedly encumbered,
soon slips to sloth and slumber - 2nd line seems too short.
Can one say "no longer heed to"? Perhaps so, I'd prefer "heeding".
Consuming all this ravening hoard,
Commanded the captain to walk the board. - I think the comma should be after "all".
Consumed by fire in a cedar chest - maybe this, or summat similar, needs inserting earlier on.
tantrum/lantern - nice rhyme.
It's not really my cup of tea, it's twice as long as needs to be and the language tends to the archaic and unnatural on occasion. Still, I like the parable style, I just think the tale needs more concrete detail towards the beginning.
Leanne mentioned problems with the metre. I thought so too.
A heart so contentedly encumbered,
soon slips to sloth and slumber - 2nd line seems too short.
Can one say "no longer heed to"? Perhaps so, I'd prefer "heeding".
Consuming all this ravening hoard,
Commanded the captain to walk the board. - I think the comma should be after "all".
Consumed by fire in a cedar chest - maybe this, or summat similar, needs inserting earlier on.
tantrum/lantern - nice rhyme.
It's not really my cup of tea, it's twice as long as needs to be and the language tends to the archaic and unnatural on occasion. Still, I like the parable style, I just think the tale needs more concrete detail towards the beginning.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.