Status Quo

[Todd]

Hi Meilhac,

I think I've enjoyed this one of yours the most so far. Here are some comments for you:


Let's start with something big. I'm going to point out a belief and bias I have regarding the poetic line. I used to write mine by a sort of instinct like playing piano by ear. It took me a number of years to realize that each line had to carry its own weight. I read your work and I may be way off. I mean no offense, but I think you may want to consider that your next area of focus when you do your first rewrite--maybe even before you first initially post.

Status Quo

I don’t know what--also first lines need to be strong to pull someone in. This really is a flat opening. I honestly think you could cut this line and the next one
I’m doing here, anyhow.
90% of my DNA--here's where the poem gets fun. For me this is your first line. I think this short line works with this break because it suggests a mystery that takes us to the next line. That said, you could also pull up the next line and end line one on slug's
matches a garden slug’s.[/b]--love this content]
I have found my niche
somewhere between
a rat and an angel[/b]--the rest of this holds together well.[/b]

I can confirm--again I don't think this adds much just lead with the assertion on the next line. The assertion comes across as fact when we here the I can confirm our minds look to judge the statement
I look better in the light,--this sets up a nice sequence
Although the darkness--line break consideration pull hides up and see what that does. The idea of darkness hiding is interesting.
hides my dark side.--I don't hate the cliche, but it's long been stripped of its power. You start with a garden slug why not "the cockroaches in my corners" I don't know something more visual.
I’m that thin outer skin of society,
which wears sneakers and suits.--maybe with its instead of and.

The sun still sets,
And the river still flows,--you could cut and
Apple still invents,
And the banks still invests,--you could cut and the. Invest not invests
But I still remain unresolved.--I'd like some stronger revelation here

Okay a lot there, but I reemphasize how much I like the poem. I think it's some polishing away from being really good.

Best,

Todd