11-18-2012, 10:24 AM
A fun piece. It's not a critique forum so just a few light suggestions.
The first stanza sounds good when read out loud. The only bumps I had was true in the first line. It would sound better if cut. If the speaker has to ask the question in line 2 than true seems out of place in line one. In line four it should be who not whom. I liked a lot of your word choices your verily to go with your burning bush I AM statement. I also liked the dreamlike transformation.
The first stanza sounds good when read out loud. The only bumps I had was true in the first line. It would sound better if cut. If the speaker has to ask the question in line 2 than true seems out of place in line one. In line four it should be who not whom. I liked a lot of your word choices your verily to go with your burning bush I AM statement. I also liked the dreamlike transformation.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson