If

[Todd]

Hi Rose,

Serious overhaul okay, I'll give it a shot. Before I go to the line comments a few quick observations: I don't mind the lowercase i's you use. I normally call them out as self conscious. Each poem has its own ecosystem though. For this one, the speaker has a diminished sense of worth--so it comes across as a subtle statement. Oh, and I like this more than the moralizing Kipling poem of the same name.

Line comments below:

This needs a serious overhaul. It's highly personal, yes, but...it's from my past and it's not a state I live in anymore (thank God for that).

If
if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to Youconsider a line break after cling to draw out a layered meaning
so unrelentingly--this is a bit tell not show. Consider an image or cut it and let the next line provide that work
as these, writhing limbs of the cursed,--what I like about how you end each of these strophes is that you use hyberbole to make your point with these apocalyptic pronouncements
tighten their grip--does this line give you anything that cutting it and changing constricting to constrict wouldn't? Just a thought the repetition isn't bad. It just seems that tightening would be to your benefit
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles--you could probably cut wrathfully as the action and context suggests some animosity
dragging me off with them--you may be able to cut with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation.

if somebody loved me--I didn't mention this earlier but I really like this refrain and than the desperate action that follows. This is the universal aspect of the poem. The thought that there's some pure, clean love that will change us--transform us into something confident and strong.
i know i would not clutch so desperately--again I'd consider breaking the line on the action the speaker wil do and keep the other person on the following lines. Also again less adverb more trust the image
onto Your shoestrings--i take the capitalized use of Your to make us think the other is seen as godlike
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls.--not sure you need forcefully sucking already does the work here. I also think you could cut eternally as you already use eternal earlier and the context suggests eternal punishment

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels--again I suggest breaking on grasp and cutting the adverb
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death--you could probably cut my
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion--you could cut my again
momentarily pulling You with me--nice twist
down beneath the line of sanity.--I like this

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists--no need to change the breaks here. This is a point of reflection and insight
too severely rapt in anguish--you could cut the adverb
freeing You--this is a good observation of how memories can trap us. There is a point of reconciliation with them that does not imply forgiveness that frees both
laying to rest at long last
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love--I really like these last four lines

if.

I loved it when I first wrote it. Now...I can't really feel it anymore.

It's a good poem. I think it needs tightening to bring out, but I do like it. I hope some of that will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd