11-13-2012, 06:58 AM
I enjoyed this. Nice rhythm mostly. I'd suggest a few minor changes.
Red and purple polka dots splattered inside my eye
A woven web of satin string stretched across the sky
Tiny tears rolls down my face into a pond of pain - roll
The rambling whisper of regret calling out my name
Dainty daffodils painted periwinkle and blue - periwinkle blue?
Grow in the vacant space where my love used to - used to do?
A faded and forgotten puzzle its pieces on the ground
Beneath the feet of the following scattered all around - I think these lines are poor. Vague and fairly meaningless as far as I can make out.
Footprints on a beaten path headed towards a wall - that head towards a wall?
By order of a melancholy mind imagining it all - rather long this line. by dint of melancholy mind.....
Red and purple polka dots splattered inside my eye
A woven web of satin string stretched across the sky
Tiny tears rolls down my face into a pond of pain - roll
The rambling whisper of regret calling out my name
Dainty daffodils painted periwinkle and blue - periwinkle blue?
Grow in the vacant space where my love used to - used to do?
A faded and forgotten puzzle its pieces on the ground
Beneath the feet of the following scattered all around - I think these lines are poor. Vague and fairly meaningless as far as I can make out.
Footprints on a beaten path headed towards a wall - that head towards a wall?
By order of a melancholy mind imagining it all - rather long this line. by dint of melancholy mind.....
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.