Soft-spoken Musings

[Todd]

Hi Rose,

I haven't read any of the comments so I could come at this cold. Forgive me if I repeat anything.

Soft-spoken me
like a fluff of poplar
gliding
on tippy toes
through the air

This opening sort of reminded me of the opening from the Forrest Gump movie with the feather floating by unnoticed. The musings of the speaker and the speaker seem to drift above the scene looking down at some panoramic scene. Tippy toes gives a childlike sense to both the observation and the observer. It also gives the sense that the speaker is peeking over the shoulders of more serious adults that may not share the same perspective. I have no issues with any of the choices in this strophe. The language flows and the tone is light and ethereal.

Angels
flitting
in bolts of light
to an accident scene

So, here's why the crowd has gathered. I take the angels as literal. The speaker wonders about, assumes, or can actually see angels moving quickly to the tragedy. I question whether Angels is strong enough to hold its own line. Another option would be a slight word change (in bolts... To ...as bolts) just a thought...in still works. maybe it should be your accident scene. It feels like this may be a better place to draw toward the personal and specific.


White light
with a golden hue
trying to reach you
through the fog

Here's the tunnel, the white light. The fog seems to be that place between life and death. Death may be scary but your cosmology which I like has something joyful reaching out. I like all of this.


And the flow
the natural flow
of a joyous world
held up at the foot
of your grief

I like the contrast of the grief on one side of this fog bank where all we see is separation. I also like that you cast joy as the natural flow. The repetition works for me. I have no issues with any of this.

Everything floats
from here to you
on a wing and a prayer
if you let it.

I actually found this a let down after the startling observation of the last strophe--the cliche didn't help, but even if it wasn't there I would consider ending the poem with of your grief.

It was a lovely poem. I enjoyed the read.

I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd