11-11-2012, 05:13 AM
Hi.
I'm sorry, I don't really know how to critique someone's poems very well. I can only give my impressions, but I'm not sure usually what sort of advice to give to improve a poem.
My impression of this was that, well, it was interesting that the rhythm and pace or beat of the stanzas of the poem kind of reflected the cycle that was being expressed in it.
I suppose one way to improve it might be to think more about different ways of expressing some of the thoughts, so that some of the lines weren't so long as to interfere with the rhythm. You could do this by going back and considering different ways to express the same thought in fewer syllables, or consider if all of the words in it are necessary, consider synonyms and use a rhyming dictionary to help with rhyming words.
As an example, this stanza:
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Back again,
I find my friend,
You've hidden all the day,
Now I'm here,
You conceal my fear
and cast it far away
It's not such a good improvement, but it demonstrates what I mean at least--to play with more poetic or "sophisticated" words and find different, more refined ways to express what you want using different words and alternatives. Especially if a word is hard to find a good rhyme to, I often end up changing the rhyme, or even the whole metaphor, and it often leads to a better poem overall. For example, you don't need the word "cast," you just need a word that demonstrates that the person rids "you" of "your" fear for the time "you" are both together. Likewise, "touch" is quite a hard word to rhyme well, so I would probably seek out another way to write that particular rhyme, for example, maybe using the word "caress" instead. And then "hot caress," because "burning caress" has too many syllables in that line.
Remember you can change out any word anywhere you want. It's all yours and the entire English language is at your fingertips to use and create.
I'm sorry, I don't really know how to critique someone's poems very well. I can only give my impressions, but I'm not sure usually what sort of advice to give to improve a poem.
My impression of this was that, well, it was interesting that the rhythm and pace or beat of the stanzas of the poem kind of reflected the cycle that was being expressed in it.
I suppose one way to improve it might be to think more about different ways of expressing some of the thoughts, so that some of the lines weren't so long as to interfere with the rhythm. You could do this by going back and considering different ways to express the same thought in fewer syllables, or consider if all of the words in it are necessary, consider synonyms and use a rhyming dictionary to help with rhyming words.
As an example, this stanza:
Back again,
Find my friend,
You've hidden all day long,
Now I'm here,
You hide my fear,
And from my reach you cast it far beyond.
Back again,
I find my friend,
You've hidden all the day,
Now I'm here,
You conceal my fear
and cast it far away
It's not such a good improvement, but it demonstrates what I mean at least--to play with more poetic or "sophisticated" words and find different, more refined ways to express what you want using different words and alternatives. Especially if a word is hard to find a good rhyme to, I often end up changing the rhyme, or even the whole metaphor, and it often leads to a better poem overall. For example, you don't need the word "cast," you just need a word that demonstrates that the person rids "you" of "your" fear for the time "you" are both together. Likewise, "touch" is quite a hard word to rhyme well, so I would probably seek out another way to write that particular rhyme, for example, maybe using the word "caress" instead. And then "hot caress," because "burning caress" has too many syllables in that line.
Remember you can change out any word anywhere you want. It's all yours and the entire English language is at your fingertips to use and create.