11-09-2012, 02:01 AM
Hello tectak.I like the lines of refrain. I'd like the main body of the poem more if it followed the kind of rhythm in the first 2 lines.
That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home;
She sped on hedges, skimmed the dark-browed, deep ploughed fields.
Vanishing, as sprites unclearly seen in misted hollows fall in to shade
Then flash again in pale and vaporous forms,
To fall behind and die in mirrored scarlet light.
I think lines 3 to 5 are a bit of a mess to be honest. Apart from the ungainly rhythm there's a lot of "ins".I like dark browed, deep ploughed.
Familiar lifts and swaying bends made strangely known our way;
No maps nor guides could link this sense, our bodies felt the path.
Reeling in advance of turns we flew, then hugged the ironed way
as gravity reversed we rose and held its weightless hand.
The rhythm goes again in the 3rd line and the repetition of "way" just seems lazy.
made strangely known our way - sounds contrived.
That night the moon dipped down her crown, and glowing, raced us home;
She sped on hedges, skimmed the dark-browed, deep ploughed fields.
Vanishing, as sprites unclearly seen in misted hollows fall in to shade
Then flash again in pale and vaporous forms,
To fall behind and die in mirrored scarlet light.
I think lines 3 to 5 are a bit of a mess to be honest. Apart from the ungainly rhythm there's a lot of "ins".I like dark browed, deep ploughed.
Familiar lifts and swaying bends made strangely known our way;
No maps nor guides could link this sense, our bodies felt the path.
Reeling in advance of turns we flew, then hugged the ironed way
as gravity reversed we rose and held its weightless hand.
The rhythm goes again in the 3rd line and the repetition of "way" just seems lazy.
made strangely known our way - sounds contrived.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.