11-05-2012, 04:37 PM
i'm more of less with abu,
i get the feeling it's supposed to be more song like, and i think it succeeds in that respect. that said, the repetition doesn't work well enough as poem. (in some poems repetition does work well) the good part are buried under little asides.
some of the end rhymes need working on more than one or two. i think the thing that would most enhance through an edit is the meter, abu mentioned it, where you have it works much better than where it doesn't exist.
thanks for the read
i get the feeling it's supposed to be more song like, and i think it succeeds in that respect. that said, the repetition doesn't work well enough as poem. (in some poems repetition does work well) the good part are buried under little asides.
some of the end rhymes need working on more than one or two. i think the thing that would most enhance through an edit is the meter, abu mentioned it, where you have it works much better than where it doesn't exist.
thanks for the read