10-29-2012, 07:27 AM
Hi umbleets -
I can't help thinking you got a bit carried away, and ignored the meter, syllable count, everything, even meaning, to achieve that end line rhyme.
Your poem starts with interesting imagery - 'black and bruised windows, the fog-infested kind' is original and fresh, to me - but then you use the word 'thought' three times in four lines. from there, you go downhill. I have no idea what these lines mean -
Lint and silly string are treasures beyond gold
Nonsense and Blah makes up the shit we're told
You have some interesting things going on here, but overall it just doesn't work. I think you need to go back to the premise of the poem and work out what you want to say.
Make the words do what you want, don't just use them because they rhyme.
I can't help thinking you got a bit carried away, and ignored the meter, syllable count, everything, even meaning, to achieve that end line rhyme.
Your poem starts with interesting imagery - 'black and bruised windows, the fog-infested kind' is original and fresh, to me - but then you use the word 'thought' three times in four lines. from there, you go downhill. I have no idea what these lines mean -
Lint and silly string are treasures beyond gold
Nonsense and Blah makes up the shit we're told
You have some interesting things going on here, but overall it just doesn't work. I think you need to go back to the premise of the poem and work out what you want to say.
Make the words do what you want, don't just use them because they rhyme.