10-26-2012, 10:00 AM
It's a good premise; you've presented an interesting inversion to certain well-worn ideas. My main problem with this piece is the number of cliches. Cliches rarely help a piece, in fact they often end up weakening a good idea. Take these lines, for instance:
Knowledge isn't just power
Its strength, to say the least
Upon further analysis, the idea has a good core. You're saying that knowledge isn't just a weapon, it is also armor; having knowledge gives you fortitude, and a resilient character. But all of that is buried under the surface level, because when people read cliche, they don't bother picking the idea apart anymore. Add to that the addition of padding phrases like "just" and "to say the least" (they don't really add anything), and in effect you made people skim over an important point you could've made. If only it didn't bog itself down, I believe this could be a much better piece.
Knowledge isn't just power
Its strength, to say the least
Upon further analysis, the idea has a good core. You're saying that knowledge isn't just a weapon, it is also armor; having knowledge gives you fortitude, and a resilient character. But all of that is buried under the surface level, because when people read cliche, they don't bother picking the idea apart anymore. Add to that the addition of padding phrases like "just" and "to say the least" (they don't really add anything), and in effect you made people skim over an important point you could've made. If only it didn't bog itself down, I believe this could be a much better piece.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?