10-21-2012, 12:14 PM
Love these comments guys... I know that my stuff is not always the most accessible read, so thanks for slogging through.
Three sections seem to be the main problem spots
#1 the overload on descriptors in stanza 2
#2 the ham-fisted transition that is stanza 3
#3 the ending.
Todd:
I like the general motion of your suggestion about problem #2. The straight-up question has to go no matter what...
Just Mercedes:
I think I will take your suggestions re
tanza 1
1 question about your comment on line 16, do you mean the whole line or just the parenthetical?
In re: problem #1: I think the modifiers add a certain sonic quality to that stanza that I like, but I totally get what you guys are driving at. I simultaneously love and hate "reckless rock barges" for that reason... I don't think it can survive as is, but I'm not exactly sure what to do there.
Three sections seem to be the main problem spots
#1 the overload on descriptors in stanza 2
#2 the ham-fisted transition that is stanza 3
#3 the ending.
Todd:
I like the general motion of your suggestion about problem #2. The straight-up question has to go no matter what...
Just Mercedes:
I think I will take your suggestions re
tanza 11 question about your comment on line 16, do you mean the whole line or just the parenthetical?
In re: problem #1: I think the modifiers add a certain sonic quality to that stanza that I like, but I totally get what you guys are driving at. I simultaneously love and hate "reckless rock barges" for that reason... I don't think it can survive as is, but I'm not exactly sure what to do there.