10-21-2012, 10:28 AM
version 1.1
(It is) a threshold,
not a line,
(that) holds the totality
of solid earth
and ends the weightless chaos (lovely sounds)
of air.
Beneath the placid lie
of endless pebble pulp, (do you need all these adjectives? 3 in 8 words)
dormant seas of fire
carry reckless rock barges (again, adjectives)
that collide and split
this imaginary
"line."
Is this so with time? ( I like the direct address with a question, but this is a little clunky)
Does time slowly curve to meet itself again (again? it's done it before?)
in a(n almost) sphere, (you don't need that qualification)
enfolding an implacable force?
This fool cannot help but ask: (I don't think you need this line at all)
How long can it keep? ( I like this - time as a perishable commodity)
How long will time
last?) ( I'm not sure this single word line works - there's a lot of pressure on the ending of a poem. You want to go out with a bang rather than a whimper.)
I like the extended metaphor comparing the earth to time itself, and the thought of magma at the heart of time is original and vivid to me.
But I'm puzzled by how the title could refer to time, as well as the earth, since the poem creates their similarity. A crust of time?
Very thoughtful poem - you use the most elemental substances to describe the most abstract idea. 'the weightless chaos/of air' is one of those -I wish I'd written that - moments.
Thank you for the read.
(It is) a threshold,
not a line,
(that) holds the totality
of solid earth
and ends the weightless chaos (lovely sounds)
of air.
Beneath the placid lie
of endless pebble pulp, (do you need all these adjectives? 3 in 8 words)
dormant seas of fire
carry reckless rock barges (again, adjectives)
that collide and split
this imaginary
"line."
Is this so with time? ( I like the direct address with a question, but this is a little clunky)
Does time slowly curve to meet itself again (again? it's done it before?)
in a(n almost) sphere, (you don't need that qualification)
enfolding an implacable force?
This fool cannot help but ask: (I don't think you need this line at all)
How long can it keep? ( I like this - time as a perishable commodity)
How long will time
last?) ( I'm not sure this single word line works - there's a lot of pressure on the ending of a poem. You want to go out with a bang rather than a whimper.)
I like the extended metaphor comparing the earth to time itself, and the thought of magma at the heart of time is original and vivid to me.
But I'm puzzled by how the title could refer to time, as well as the earth, since the poem creates their similarity. A crust of time?
Very thoughtful poem - you use the most elemental substances to describe the most abstract idea. 'the weightless chaos/of air' is one of those -I wish I'd written that - moments.
Thank you for the read.