10-18-2012, 12:45 AM
I love the concept of this poem. I see it as a vain businessman looking at himself in the mirror, wishing for wealth power and eternal life. You draw a great parallel to the wicked queen of Snow White. Though jarring, I like the throwing in of cryogenics... it's effectively absurd.
You are getting the most criticism on Stanza 3 for good reason. It is not the weakest stanza, in my opinion, but it is the most important. If you look at the layout of your images: water, fish fleas, the poor. now the fleas DO continue your insect motif from staza 2, but also weirdly coalesces with the water it directly follows. I think that was intentional, but I don't find it effective. Your image layout doesn't seem to set up your stanza end and that may be why some find it preachy rather than essential. The water seems to be pollution... if you could think of another way to conjure up more harm done by businesses, then the third image might seem inevitable rather than random and "preachy"
The fourth stanza is an adequate button, but I find "whoever can stomach it" to be a bit weak. Some variety here, some image something else might bring your point home better.
Your rhyme scheme is interesting... it might be cool to rhyme the second lines with each other as well as the fourth. and maybe add another line to stanza 1 for unity's sake?
You are getting the most criticism on Stanza 3 for good reason. It is not the weakest stanza, in my opinion, but it is the most important. If you look at the layout of your images: water, fish fleas, the poor. now the fleas DO continue your insect motif from staza 2, but also weirdly coalesces with the water it directly follows. I think that was intentional, but I don't find it effective. Your image layout doesn't seem to set up your stanza end and that may be why some find it preachy rather than essential. The water seems to be pollution... if you could think of another way to conjure up more harm done by businesses, then the third image might seem inevitable rather than random and "preachy"
The fourth stanza is an adequate button, but I find "whoever can stomach it" to be a bit weak. Some variety here, some image something else might bring your point home better.
Your rhyme scheme is interesting... it might be cool to rhyme the second lines with each other as well as the fourth. and maybe add another line to stanza 1 for unity's sake?