10-15-2012, 07:42 AM
Maybe the title should be Suit-wearing man?
(10-14-2012, 04:58 PM)Chaotic Body Wrote: Mirror, mirror on the wall-
Who is the most untouchable
And cushioned from fall? I like the 'fall' here, a link to fall from grace, the fall of man, but also the season, so aging
'Cause bees and ants don't matter. The Narrator sees himself as far above the crowd of workers?
I need the Chinamen in check,
Four metal doors for the gold bricks
And cryogenics, is all.
Don't worry about defeated humane-ity, not sure humane-ity works
My mirrored friend- nor the water;
Nor the fish-fleas nor the excuses
Drawn for embezzlement of the poor. I lose a sense of what is happening in this strophe. Maybe if you decided which are hyphens and which are en or em dashes it would make more sense to me
'Cause the world's for the strong,
Why- whoever can stomach it!
It's always been this way, mirror-
Of this I'm vehemently sure. I like N arguing with himself; this reminds me a bit of how Lady Macbeth had to 'unsex' herself in order to kill.
The parts I didn't understand - from the Chinaman to the fish-fleas - are probably references to something in your own world which I don't share. I thought China - controlling money - but I'm left with the impression that the suit-wearing man is trying to stay focused on winning at all costs, and to ignore his conscience.
This was a thought-provoking read - thank you!
--
all criticism welcome
I'm trying to think of this as I would read a fairytale- it seems to help. I'm not sure but I *think* this particular "mirror mirror" framework is making it easier to read? How would I go about doing this without it?
On reading this a couple of times I realize I should try to be more poetic using some imagery? I know this is a weak area, but what about other areas?
Tried to make it bounce quite well. I am really happy with that last verse and what it means to me. It feels perfect for tying it up.