10-09-2012, 07:12 AM
Hey all! I really appreciate your reviews and constructive criticism, and I've taken some of your advice to heart. Upon reading it a few more times I noticed that some of the stanzas aren't even necessary for the main idea, and so I've cut out a bit and tidied up the rest. What do you think of this revision?
Unwritten
Unwritten is this poem
Until that final verse is spoke.
Unwritten is this life
Until the punch line tells the joke.
When Creation rises to the task
And displays its grandiose
When beauty flows from fingertips
In thickness most verbose
What void exists within this space
Which once appeared morose
Uptakes the work of gifted hands
To destroy the sloth’s pathos
And fill it now with things unreal
New ideas which would engross
And inspire the children of our years
To rise from comatose.
Flowered gems, the work of man
The toil of skilled hands
Bring unto us the world we see
Contorted by commands
The passion that augments our work
The emotion which withstands
Is what drives our creative side
To take fragmented strands
And polish them with time and care
And procure art that expands
The passion of those who wish to stop
And witness our hearts demands.
And so with that, the artisan
Has dragged the pen with ink
And scrawled upon reality
The perspectives he can think
And shared these thoughts with others
So that they may join the link
Writing in what had been empty
The unwritten pushed to the brink
What purpose then is there to life
If not to share the sync
Of humanities worldviews reflected
In song and dance and drink.
But flowered gems, anew and true
And beautiful while they last
Find their beauty locked in time
When death brings them to the past
For everything is doomed to die
Lets have this truth unmasked
Only in death we will only see
That beautiful things die fast.
Look now and see what’s come to be
Will fall to disarray
The dust to dust now to the wind
And blow the past away
Clean the slate and wash the board
Leave space for the next to play
To live and learn and experience
And write what comes their way
Plant flowered gems of passion now
To share until doomsday
For human heart and emotion
Can outlive deaths decay.
What was unwritten now to write
This final verse be played
This life of mine filled with such love
Only ink now could convey.
Thanks again guys, cheers
Unwritten
Unwritten is this poem
Until that final verse is spoke.
Unwritten is this life
Until the punch line tells the joke.
When Creation rises to the task
And displays its grandiose
When beauty flows from fingertips
In thickness most verbose
What void exists within this space
Which once appeared morose
Uptakes the work of gifted hands
To destroy the sloth’s pathos
And fill it now with things unreal
New ideas which would engross
And inspire the children of our years
To rise from comatose.
Flowered gems, the work of man
The toil of skilled hands
Bring unto us the world we see
Contorted by commands
The passion that augments our work
The emotion which withstands
Is what drives our creative side
To take fragmented strands
And polish them with time and care
And procure art that expands
The passion of those who wish to stop
And witness our hearts demands.
And so with that, the artisan
Has dragged the pen with ink
And scrawled upon reality
The perspectives he can think
And shared these thoughts with others
So that they may join the link
Writing in what had been empty
The unwritten pushed to the brink
What purpose then is there to life
If not to share the sync
Of humanities worldviews reflected
In song and dance and drink.
But flowered gems, anew and true
And beautiful while they last
Find their beauty locked in time
When death brings them to the past
For everything is doomed to die
Lets have this truth unmasked
Only in death we will only see
That beautiful things die fast.
Look now and see what’s come to be
Will fall to disarray
The dust to dust now to the wind
And blow the past away
Clean the slate and wash the board
Leave space for the next to play
To live and learn and experience
And write what comes their way
Plant flowered gems of passion now
To share until doomsday
For human heart and emotion
Can outlive deaths decay.
What was unwritten now to write
This final verse be played
This life of mine filled with such love
Only ink now could convey.
Thanks again guys, cheers