10-08-2012, 01:02 AM
hello night!
I think this poem works as a base for something more. poems about writing are common, so standing out can be a challenge. what could possibly strengthen this would be
a) a chosen, consistent meter. as is, the lines may last as long as they want. when working with rhymes, a meter can help deepen the effect of your words and give a stronger sense of organization/ polish.
b) standard grammar/ syntax. at times, you inverted your subjects and verbs. English prefers subjects before verbs: we want to know 'who does what' before the action hits us. using active voice over the passive (e.g., "I wrote you" vs. "you are written by me") also makes lines feel more immediate and have a more lasting impact.
starting with phrases and adverbs can potentially have a similar, lessening effect on a line (e.g.
c) some trimming. a few stanzas, I think, could be shortened and combined (e.g., 3 and 4) or removed (the 8th didn't add much to the piece for me).
with these points in mind, I think an edit could lift this piece higher
I think this poem works as a base for something more. poems about writing are common, so standing out can be a challenge. what could possibly strengthen this would be
a) a chosen, consistent meter. as is, the lines may last as long as they want. when working with rhymes, a meter can help deepen the effect of your words and give a stronger sense of organization/ polish.
b) standard grammar/ syntax. at times, you inverted your subjects and verbs. English prefers subjects before verbs: we want to know 'who does what' before the action hits us. using active voice over the passive (e.g., "I wrote you" vs. "you are written by me") also makes lines feel more immediate and have a more lasting impact.
starting with phrases and adverbs can potentially have a similar, lessening effect on a line (e.g.
Quote:Only in death will we ever see/ That beautiful things die fast.could easily become "We will only see that..."). Of course, what makes this difficult to follow at times is, for metered and rhyming poems, the need to end on a rhyme. When I write in meter, I always remind myself this: never sacrifice meaning for structure. Meaning is more important than ending a line on a word that fits your rhyme scheme. If you end up twisting sentences just to get a rhyme working, it will sacrifice your piece, and your reader will know what you are up to.
c) some trimming. a few stanzas, I think, could be shortened and combined (e.g., 3 and 4) or removed (the 8th didn't add much to the piece for me).
with these points in mind, I think an edit could lift this piece higher
Written only for you to consider.