10-08-2012, 12:31 AM
hello ambusthard
going to agree with billy; the last lines of each stanza let me down a bit.
my only other critique would be that what struck me as some excess words lurked in the lines. an example:
the second line could be shortened to "filled with circles of gritty leaves". words like "that" can sap a lot of energy.
besides that, i like the imagery and word choice in general
going to agree with billy; the last lines of each stanza let me down a bit.
my only other critique would be that what struck me as some excess words lurked in the lines. an example:
Quote:Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
Filled with gritty leaves that swim in circles
Feeling that they are only pollution,
Unnecessary.
the second line could be shortened to "filled with circles of gritty leaves". words like "that" can sap a lot of energy.
besides that, i like the imagery and word choice in general
Written only for you to consider.