Hi Jack,
I think it's S3 that needs the work.
S1: I love it especially some terrible flower opening. I actually think you can cut the like...you've set up the metaphor in L1 so the simile doesn't seem as strong.
S2: Great tone in the first line. L2 strikes me as unnessasary summary. It would better to have more gory disfigurement examples or how it came to happen. Chance is too shorthand--no punch. L3 same with wake of pain. I'd like more specificity. L4-5 were right on point, loved them.
S3: hmm...maybe kill L1 condense "The soul of God is a writer's contrivance" L3 works well...L4-5 you don't need malleable and changed. Random seems off too both God and a writer are creators we're talking providence, albeit twisted.
S4: great first line here. I think the second line falls flat with the pain and dementia. Maybe end the poem on see.
It may be hard to tell from the comments Jack, but I think it's a cool concept. I really like what you're going for. I hope some of this will be helpful.
Best,
Todd
I think it's S3 that needs the work.
S1: I love it especially some terrible flower opening. I actually think you can cut the like...you've set up the metaphor in L1 so the simile doesn't seem as strong.
S2: Great tone in the first line. L2 strikes me as unnessasary summary. It would better to have more gory disfigurement examples or how it came to happen. Chance is too shorthand--no punch. L3 same with wake of pain. I'd like more specificity. L4-5 were right on point, loved them.
S3: hmm...maybe kill L1 condense "The soul of God is a writer's contrivance" L3 works well...L4-5 you don't need malleable and changed. Random seems off too both God and a writer are creators we're talking providence, albeit twisted.
S4: great first line here. I think the second line falls flat with the pain and dementia. Maybe end the poem on see.
It may be hard to tell from the comments Jack, but I think it's a cool concept. I really like what you're going for. I hope some of this will be helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson