10-01-2012, 08:35 AM
The last word of the third line might have a typo. And there's that little bit of fate vs. artifice in the part about God and contrivances, where a theme seems to be suddenly acknowledged and then dropped. It seems like you're simply stating the obvious in a lot of words that appear to be developing what's already been developed. But it seems too that all of it is happening in the moment of someone watching a scene in a movie when a villain's new appearance is revealed for the first time. So the poem is a captured feeling of a moment being rolled out into words. That you're developing a quick feeling, elaborating on it; because the speaker is present with opinions and emotions. It feels drawn out a little far, like this critique might feel. Like it's straining to stretch. It seems like it should be more difficult than it is.