Boxcar

[tectak]

Rules pertaining to a Boxcar Metaphor

There is more to this on a subsequent read than an initial overview would indicate. I am uncertain of the motivation behind the piece and so will pick one possibility and then comment from that platform. It is not long enough to encapsulate a mulled point....that's fine...but to me, it simply says " Bugger off...let me write as I want to write". Metaphors noted, here goes. (Almost asking for trouble)


Citizens of the multiverse
may not ride a boxcar metaphor A metaphor with an adjective in front of is is unusual except as a qualification (good, bad, complex etc) I struggled a little with the need to visualise a "boxcar metaphor" then decided to just ride it. Then it hit me. The "may not" is dual-meaning. It is either permissive or conditional. If it is conditional then the "but" comes very late. Too late perhaps. The effect is to leave the "but Venus, akin to freedom" out on a bit of a limb. In other words, the conditionality of "may not ride a boxcar" is not answered sensibly by "but Venus, akin to freedom". The two conditions do not pair. Apart from this it is a well worded stanza. Perhaps a colon after "compartments"
to Venus, fly a Harley
to enlightenment
or escape respective compartments
but Venus, akin to freedom
is a valid concept

like sentient geraniums
or naked poets
dancing to internal rhyme
outside their cubicles
at midnightA bit cryptic, this, but in the spirit of the piece. I like the unexpected "sentient" when wanting to read "scented". I still don't understand it, though.

beyond the shackles
of academy

As a readable collection of words it is, to me, just fine. The lack of rhythm, rhyme and punctuation leaves the whole piece lacking in purpose. I am criticised for asking this question but I only ask because I do not know....why did you write it? What point was there, is there, should there need to be?
Best,
tectak