09-27-2012, 12:53 PM
hello lightbaron!
some quick thoughts
-i think the one word lines could be dropped
-i'm at odds with the "they". part of me feels like it could be lost; maybe italics used to show a separate train of thought or outside speech. "Put the pen down" and gets into the "euthanasia" pun sooner; it's is a much more active opening than "they say", which offers nothing new
-descriptions werre fitting and good; I enjoyed. the "sulfur" lost me a little thought
some quick thoughts
-i think the one word lines could be dropped
-i'm at odds with the "they". part of me feels like it could be lost; maybe italics used to show a separate train of thought or outside speech. "Put the pen down" and gets into the "euthanasia" pun sooner; it's is a much more active opening than "they say", which offers nothing new
-descriptions werre fitting and good; I enjoyed. the "sulfur" lost me a little thought
Written only for you to consider.