Canvas of the Night

[just mercedes]

Canvas of the night,
journey of the wise.
Lover of the arts in spite not clear who is the lover - the night or the journey?[b]
of the moons symbolic rise. [b]this is the fourth use of 'noun of the noun' construction in four lines. moon's.
Leave conscious thought behind [/b] not sure who you are instructing here
weave hidden creativity.
Visions of a world designed
by the soul’s proclivity.

Embrace the demons stuck below
desperate to escape.
Think thoughts you’ll never show;
inside yourself it’s safe.
Journey to the golden shores
the land of childish wonder. nice imagery[/b]
There’s hidden knowledge through the doors,
the most glorious of plunders.

Entrench yourself within the night,
perform the dreamers coup.
Infinite control and might;
a god without the pews. [/b] ?? clunky, just to make a rhyme
Riders on the ancient storm
get behind the wheel.[b] mixed metaphors?
Construct the perfect art form [/b] uneven meter here, reads roughly
attack the night with zeal.


This poem isn't finished yet, I'm going to add one more stanza. I'd like to get some opinions on it right now though.

I think, once you clear up for the reader who the Narrator is addressing, your message will be carried better - whether the 'you' here is the N speaking of himself in a generic way, or speaking to someone else - and in that case, who?

I really like the idea of gaining inspiration from the night/dark side/unconscious mind and I think you're making a strong poem here!

I don't like your punctuation though and the way the lines are chopped into segments when for me, they would flow better as whole sentences without the end line stops.