09-24-2012, 02:28 AM
now this poem has potential I really liked it because of its simplicity just
two lovers but if I may critique some
Because I would not lift my face,- reorganize this and don't start with because and exactly why can't this person lift their face?
its fine to leave some mystery, but know that alot of people don't like to read and are lazy. They want the exact meaning right away
or they won't read your poetry
I looked to your hands,- this is cliches be more creative
your arms, the way
your elbows rested on your thighs, and
the shadows on the floor; I enjoy the word shadow but it doesn't seem to mesh well with floor doesn't feel "Poetic"
but mostly
I watched your hands.- You said hands twice so far use a thesaurus to look up a different word but different meanings maybe palms instead of hands? remember a thesaurus and dictionary are a poets best friend! use them
Quietly, I saw meanings in their shapes: creative lover,-this whole stanza is gorgeous expect you used shadows a second time
clever mind, passion, imagination.
I watched our shadows flicker and entwine.
My hands my arms, and- the word hands again? this the 3rd one!
my body shook.- really? how so can you describe in detail? not just "my body shook?"
You stood, embraced me, and - more creativity
held on until I let go.
After, as I write
I watch my hands,- 4 times you used this word your setting a record
their shapes, and meanings as
they cast their own shadows.- 3rd time you used shadows
two lovers but if I may critique some
Because I would not lift my face,- reorganize this and don't start with because and exactly why can't this person lift their face?
its fine to leave some mystery, but know that alot of people don't like to read and are lazy. They want the exact meaning right away
or they won't read your poetry
I looked to your hands,- this is cliches be more creative
your arms, the way
your elbows rested on your thighs, and
the shadows on the floor; I enjoy the word shadow but it doesn't seem to mesh well with floor doesn't feel "Poetic"
but mostly
I watched your hands.- You said hands twice so far use a thesaurus to look up a different word but different meanings maybe palms instead of hands? remember a thesaurus and dictionary are a poets best friend! use them
Quietly, I saw meanings in their shapes: creative lover,-this whole stanza is gorgeous expect you used shadows a second time
clever mind, passion, imagination.
I watched our shadows flicker and entwine.
My hands my arms, and- the word hands again? this the 3rd one!
my body shook.- really? how so can you describe in detail? not just "my body shook?"
You stood, embraced me, and - more creativity
held on until I let go.
After, as I write
I watch my hands,- 4 times you used this word your setting a record
their shapes, and meanings as
they cast their own shadows.- 3rd time you used shadows