09-20-2012, 11:24 AM
i really don't want to check the meter on this. i just likes it 
while i'm glad you post in the novice forum. you should try a post or two in mild or serious critique
the eighth and ninth verse are the most significant as they tell it all. it's a very clever poem and in the beginning a sad as well as funny one. the last verse feels blaze but it works, it feels truthful and funny. when i first looked at it i thought 'god, a long poem' but when reading it i was enjoying myself.
remember my first line, well i did check the meter and it would improve the poem if you had some sort of constant with it.
as far as originality, image and humour go, it's out of the park
thanks for the read.....don't forget to leave some feedback elsewhere rich, they're all feedback junkies here in need of a fix
while i'm glad you post in the novice forum. you should try a post or two in mild or serious critique
the eighth and ninth verse are the most significant as they tell it all. it's a very clever poem and in the beginning a sad as well as funny one. the last verse feels blaze but it works, it feels truthful and funny. when i first looked at it i thought 'god, a long poem' but when reading it i was enjoying myself.
remember my first line, well i did check the meter and it would improve the poem if you had some sort of constant with it.
as far as originality, image and humour go, it's out of the park
thanks for the read.....don't forget to leave some feedback elsewhere rich, they're all feedback junkies here in need of a fix