Sober Phobia

[tectak]

Well written Mark, life in the real, almost felt as if I was there! Cheers

Thanks

[...]some italics in places to make a few things pop a bit better.[...]

I will think about that more. I kind of like the idea of those sections being formatted differently.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback boss

Hi Mark,

Sober Phobia
[...]
A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,--These two lines are excellent. You may want to continue building tension without using the next line to immediately release it--just a thought
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

[...]
III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet---these three lines are really good. When I was talking about building the tension toward the release...you could for example, go false hope (2 lines then strophe break, then these three lines, strophe break, then the children had ascended lines)...again just a thought
glaring at the hopeful others.

[...]

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.--the ending from everyone down is very good. I'd be tempted to pull the first someone up to the almost line to layer the meaning around that break

I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Your comments are always thoughtful. I sometimes think while reading your critique that it would probably save you some time if you just wrote the poem for me

I liked a lot of your suggestions and I am gonna take my time to rewrite this and I'll go back through the feedback at that point.

Thanks so much for your time and feedback

When I saw this was the first thing in the post, my insecurity had convinced me that it was in reference to my posting in the serious forum . . . but I know you wouldn't be . . . that . . . cruel.

Sober Phobia
[...]
II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.You are thinking a little ahead of me....and perhaps you. Is there a hint of rhetorical query inherent in the line "the common chaos..". I don't know about this. Is it that common?

I'm not trying to coin the next catchphrase here, I just mean the everyday madness that the life of a single mother can be: common chaos.

I have no children. I like children. Other people's children. That go home

Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.This is a great expressive sentiment which you pre-empt with "Damn the Law"....though you have not yet broken it. Perhaps begin with "A dry day with three kids....rest of stanza....Damn the Law". The intent is now a little more portentous. No big deal

I see what you mean. I will definitely spin it around and give it a look.

A false hope springsan unnecessary cliche in this big open field. You could do betterthan this.
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.especially as whatever the false hope was, it was real enough to be cursed!

Again, good call.

[...]
IV

The heat is worseIt's a funny thing but what happens next happens often. It is now nearing the end of the piece and in a strangely ethereal way I can tell. The end is nigh, comes to mind. Go easy on these last lines and try to rewrite them in the same easy, laid-back way that you began. I feel as if someone has lit the blue touch paper and I for one am ready to retire to a safe distance.
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

In spite of your brutal way of getting me to see how bad I suck, there are a lot of great ideas in that crit. However, I disagree here. I want tone to change in reflection of the subject's increasingly agitated mood- and then calm down a bit when she gets the booze

Thanks for the help. I will get around to editing eventually.

---

It means a lot that you guys take the time to look at my stuff.

Also, tectak is brutal

......but it doesn 't make me a bad person.......serious crit is brutal