Sober Phobia

[tectak]

Sober Phobia
First of all, mark, this is a welcome departure from the stuff you usually post and it starts out rather well......and on a first read continues in that vein.
I

They don't give you a chipThe start is with a bang. The reader staggers, realised he has not been shot and reads on. It is a metaphorical roulette. OK. No problems with this. Just a pity that you used "streak" in the last line because I cannot get the image of "streak and chips" out of my mind.
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak has lasted.

II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.You are thinking a little ahead of me....and perhaps you. Is there a hint of rhetorical query inherent in the line "the common chaos..". I don't know about this. Is it that common?
Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.This is a great expressive sentiment which you pre-empt with "Damn the Law"....though you have not yet broken it. Perhaps begin with "A dry day with three kids....rest of stanza....Damn the Law". The intent is now a little more portentous. No big deal

A false hope springsan unnecessary cliche in this big open field. You could do betterthan this.
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.especially as whatever the false hope was, it was real enough to be cursed!

The children have ascended
into chutes and waterslides-
into heaven really, but she plops down
at a picnic table
in Hell.Good all the way. Plops is excellent

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet-
glaring at the hopeful others.I am a scientist first and know enough to avoid metaphors which leave you open to criticism of your scientific knowledge rather than your poetry. Negatives(and positives, and north poles, and south poles ALL repel if the SAME) Who cares...who really cares? But I am less sure of the "clinging bits glaring" line. Needs a rehash

No one complains
of the heat
or the noise.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.

Someone toddles up to ask for more sunscreen
. . . familiar little guy.Yes, well, I guess this is OK in a daddy/sonny way but it breaks from the ambience somewhat. Up to you, but like WC.Fields I don't like kids....but I'm not a bad person.

IV

The heat is worseIt's a funny thing but what happens next happens often. It is now nearing the end of the piece and in a strangely ethereal way I can tell. The end is nigh, comes to mind. Go easy on these last lines and try to rewrite them in the same easy, laid-back way that you began. I feel as if someone has lit the blue touch paper and I for one am ready to retire to a safe distance.
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.
The chaos helps-
for once.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.

VI

Everyone accounted for-

Almost.
Someone is touching someone.
Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-The dash or hyphen is not required.
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.

...and in spite of everything, this is one of the best pieces I have seen of yours.

Best,
tectak