09-15-2012, 12:28 AM
"a slight heady spell signals
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling"
That part works with the rest of the poem, but it doesn't work well with why I personally like everything up to that point. The flow of images breaks down and throws up over itself, and you can get the effect. If only it went on a bit longer before it happened. Like if it had a stronger stomach, enough for a few more lines or details.
the onslaught of choke
gag reflex kicks in
as throat expands
expelling"
That part works with the rest of the poem, but it doesn't work well with why I personally like everything up to that point. The flow of images breaks down and throws up over itself, and you can get the effect. If only it went on a bit longer before it happened. Like if it had a stronger stomach, enough for a few more lines or details.