Demons

[Wildcard]

Hi Fidofood,

I read this a few times and then read the critique and I would have to say that in the end, I agree with Billy's take on it. The wording gets a little repetitive, like a chant (which lends to the repetitive nature of the wording), but it seems that the poem might actually work better as a sort of introspective flow . . .

All-in-all I feel that this has some really good ideas and the way that it is being expressed interests me.

The demons are feeding, --I like the dark imagery a lot, but feel that it might be better worded more concisely, just a suggestion, but maybe take these two lines and turn them into one: "Demons are feeding, gnawing on my soul."
they gnaw upon my soul.
The demons hide within me
they have complete control. --I hear a lot of soul/control rhymes . . . cliche, to my ear
The demons will not leave me
they torture me with fear. --The next three lines I like. I can feel where you are taking this because I relate personally and because you have expressed it very well.
The demons have no faces,
but I know that they are here.
The demons paw my scars,
the marks of hate they made
The cuts and lacerations,
slit by Satan’s blade.
The demons fire my hatred,
my evil bile they spill. --I don't think you get anything from twisting your grammar here. jmo
The demons splash my anger, -- Great two lines here
poisoning my will.
The demons taunt and mock me, -- 'taunt' seems redundant. I think 'mock' works better alone.
they tear me from my sleep.
The demons they will kill me,
my demons I must keep.

The ending needs work imo. The idea is good, but the wording could be better. Again, jmo.

Thanks for sharing