09-13-2012, 08:22 AM
for what it's worth, i liked the flow of this, though it stumbles in occasional spots for me.
i would try to do away with some of the inverted-syntax lines ("my evil bile they spill"). also, the ending strikes me as a bit weak. it almost felt as though the ending lines were inseparable from any of the other parts; i want to get hit with a hammer at the end. the punch i got instead was lacking.
i would try to do away with some of the inverted-syntax lines ("my evil bile they spill"). also, the ending strikes me as a bit weak. it almost felt as though the ending lines were inseparable from any of the other parts; i want to get hit with a hammer at the end. the punch i got instead was lacking.
Written only for you to consider.