09-12-2012, 11:54 AM
Seems my opinion differs from the boys 
. I actually liked it from "The demons paw my scars// ..." onward. Everything before was suitable and serviceable as establishing narrative but didn't shine so much. I liked "The demons splash my anger, poisoning my will" especially.
Maybe you could spruce up the ending. Considering all the abhorrent things the demons are doing to the narrator's soul, to kill seems an almost idly phrased threat. Of course, that could be your intention.... it's undramatic because it is an inevitability, not a threat. In which case maybe it needs more of a build up to that.
Thanks very much for the read
. I actually liked it from "The demons paw my scars// ..." onward. Everything before was suitable and serviceable as establishing narrative but didn't shine so much. I liked "The demons splash my anger, poisoning my will" especially.Maybe you could spruce up the ending. Considering all the abhorrent things the demons are doing to the narrator's soul, to kill seems an almost idly phrased threat. Of course, that could be your intention.... it's undramatic because it is an inevitability, not a threat. In which case maybe it needs more of a build up to that.
Thanks very much for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?