Sober Phobia

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

You have some really nice parts in this--some insightful observations. I'm not sure I'm sold on every line, but that could just be a style difference. Here are some comments for you:

Sober Phobia

I

They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak has lasted.--I keep wanting to shift tense here to make it more immediate "has lasted" to "lasts"

II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls--cliche phrasing, maybe dancing on the walls
required a bracer.
Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids--first use of dry. It works better later with the mouth. You may want to consider a substitute.
that make way,
way too much noise.

A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,--These two lines are excellent. You may want to continue building tension without using the next line to immediately release it--just a thought
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

The children have ascended
into chutes and waterslides-
into heaven really, but she plops down--you don't need the really. Maybe cut it and replace but with an as.
at a picnic table
in Hell.

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet---these three lines are really good. When I was talking about building the tension toward the release...you could for example, go false hope (2 lines then strophe break, then these three lines, strophe break, then the children had ascended lines)...again just a thought
glaring at the hopeful others.

No one complains
of the heat
or the noise.--this strophe seems largely throw away imo. You deal with heat later and there's a sense of tying it to a character. This feels like more filler.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.--Great lines

Someone toddles up to ask for more sunscreen
. . . familiar little guy.--this part is good too

IV

The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.--I like all of this especially the first two lines.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.--I like this image. I again wonder if the next two lines are necessary--sort of abstract
The chaos helps-
for once.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.--Strongest part of the poem. There's a truth in these lines

VI

Everyone accounted for-

Almost.
Someone is touching someone.
Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.--the ending from everyone down is very good. I'd be tempted to pull the first someone up to the almost line to layer the meaning around that break

It's a good poem Mark. My suggestions may simply be style differences on my part, but maybe not. Weigh them and see what you think. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd