Versus

[Philatone]

hey ray! some thoughts

This is a verse and not a fucking stanza –
why use six letters when five saves paper? ...i felt this line could have been a bit more meta for the piece itself; something to do with the amount of lines you used or the meter, but it's just a thought
I’d rather turn plough than stand in a chamber. ...this stanza does a solid job of introducing the wordplay and tone of the piece.

Agricultural language suits this bard
and poetry’s but a topiary art:
that’s what I gather from your cutting remarks.

I’m lower case type inhabiting the basement
where jars and saucepans in haphazard placement
create an imperfect kind of enjambment ...like the "jar" and "jam" play here

employed to collect red wine and sushi, ...the long /i/ sounds of sushi, fruity, and beauty, weren't very pleasant for me. kind of works in the second two lines, but the first felt discordant
filter and ferment into something fruity –
that’s my trickle-down theory of beauty.

Up in the loft they reach for eternity ...this is where the piece starts to break down for me. the energy feels a bit lost, though i can't exactly convey why i feel that way. it feels like the ideas have weak transitions; yeah, i see the contrast of loft and basement, but it strikes me as a leap. make some stairs
while I’m beset by a sense of urgency;
the soles beneath my feet are burning me

as I commit each metre to memory
stamping a legacy in ivory and ebony; ...this has a better spoken effect (legacy in ivory and ebony) than written for me
poetic justice now I’m out of energy. ...not a fan of the last line, though I admit it captures what you are conveying just fine.

hope some of these thoughts may be useful!