On Giving Up The Drink: (a kyrielle)

[tectak]

Critics are shy right now but there is the possibility that they are speechless with awe
Your should give up the drink more often, billy. This is terrific. I would double-post this into p for f just to give the fun seekers a chance to read it.
Absolutely no complaints. Very well done. Maybe try for a stronger line penultimate last, but your call.
Best,
tectak

i doubt awe would be the right word "hysterical:

that last line was a real bitch and because of it, it feels forced. i will see if i can come up with a better line, thanks Tom.

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Never heard of a kyrielle before. I like this, Billy, the way it addresses a problem tangentially - I think. Don't know how well the cigar sits with the biscuits and crackers.
3rd and 4th verses very nice, you maybe need something stronger than a comma after "veins of blue".
Do you rhyme shades with charades when you speak?

Ray

yes to the shar aids
and i agree, it should be a period or semi colon instead of a comma.
thanks for the feedback

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Just as it is, I can hear you telling it with wide eyes as more calm people shake their heads and wonder.

, thanks for the comment rowen

Any good?

Eventually as night wore on
and drunken flea and bear had gone,
I found a cracker on my knee
and thought it odd, it couldn't be.

Best,
tectak