reflected love

[billy]

hi mongo

i'd suggest cutting at least two thirds of poem away.

so
so immortalized
so amazing
so profoundly perfect
unequaled
one moment with you is more gratifying
then anything i could ever even dream of
a moment in time that
seams like it could never end
my heart dances joyfully
as our eyes meet
to look into your eyes
is to look into the vast beauty of the universe
stars twinkle
suns burn

instead put something original in there, something that doesn't repeat the what was previously said.

there are other similar blocks of cliche. all it takes is to put down what you see, not what you've heard or read elsewhere. for instance, do you see the 4 so's?
no, of course not we can't see a so
and the four big words associated with them create an image or an idea to demonstration or show what they mean.

immortalized could = burnt onto the retina of the universe.

some of the spelling needs correcting as well.
at the end you have 8 lines about a kiss, try and make it two or at most three. keep as short as you possibly can and cut what doesn't add anything.

the core of the poem is there, you just have to dress it in something solid.

thanks for the read.