08-29-2012, 09:41 AM
Hi Mongo,
I like the sentiments your poem holds- inspiring -struggling with life’s numerous”deaths”- pitfalls and obstacles seeming inevitable, that comes our way, part of life itself, and yet, initially realizing, at the end, that we have a say, a sense of power to control our own destiny!
A few revisions with specially chosen words would offer a definite punch giving this poem a difference. I would like to see the chosen subject, Death , an entity of omnipotent fear, when used in a poem, to depict dread, terror, fearful visions of words for the reader’s imagination.
death on hold
Death does not wait for me- I would omit “for me”
it has a come knocking- “it comes a knocking “
knocking at my door- a knocking at my door
its ran me a sunder – it ran me asunder
pushed me to the floor- how about “cleaved”, “pressed” or something else instead of pushed
taken my innocence – I would suggest words such as “ravishing” or “raping” instead of “taken”
and came back for more – add “kept” and see how that works
pushed me off of my cliff – try taking out “me” and “of” for “ pushed off my cliff”
seen me fly without wings- and see if you omit “seen me” how “flying without wings” work
crashing to the earth
it seams- “seems”
that death has moved in – try taking out “that”
taken up residences- use“taking” instead
inside me –how about “within” ?
darkened my perspective- find words such as “provoke”, “havoc” debase” “chaos” or “turmoil” and such
blacken my nights - try “lurid” “ illusive” and such words connoting nightmarish, here
moved in for the kill- try the active word “moving” to depict death in action
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado – “ado” may mean ruckus, argument or protest or do you mean “adieu” as in goodbye?
death may have my name
but I have his tail
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will – I enjoyed this ending.
I hope you find this helpful. Thank you for the share.
I like the sentiments your poem holds- inspiring -struggling with life’s numerous”deaths”- pitfalls and obstacles seeming inevitable, that comes our way, part of life itself, and yet, initially realizing, at the end, that we have a say, a sense of power to control our own destiny!
A few revisions with specially chosen words would offer a definite punch giving this poem a difference. I would like to see the chosen subject, Death , an entity of omnipotent fear, when used in a poem, to depict dread, terror, fearful visions of words for the reader’s imagination.
death on hold
Death does not wait for me- I would omit “for me”
it has a come knocking- “it comes a knocking “
knocking at my door- a knocking at my door
its ran me a sunder – it ran me asunder
pushed me to the floor- how about “cleaved”, “pressed” or something else instead of pushed
taken my innocence – I would suggest words such as “ravishing” or “raping” instead of “taken”
and came back for more – add “kept” and see how that works
pushed me off of my cliff – try taking out “me” and “of” for “ pushed off my cliff”
seen me fly without wings- and see if you omit “seen me” how “flying without wings” work
crashing to the earth
it seams- “seems”
that death has moved in – try taking out “that”
taken up residences- use“taking” instead
inside me –how about “within” ?
darkened my perspective- find words such as “provoke”, “havoc” debase” “chaos” or “turmoil” and such
blacken my nights - try “lurid” “ illusive” and such words connoting nightmarish, here
moved in for the kill- try the active word “moving” to depict death in action
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado – “ado” may mean ruckus, argument or protest or do you mean “adieu” as in goodbye?
death may have my name
but I have his tail
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will – I enjoyed this ending.
I hope you find this helpful. Thank you for the share.