death on hold

[addy]

Hi mongo, welcome the the pen

I like your idea for this piece... I like where it went and how it wrapped up. I think there are a few cliches here that you can do away with or rewrite into stronger images. For this particular piece, the punchier the better. Show more teeth.

Death does not wait for me
it has a come knocking
knocking at my door
its ran "it has run", or "it ran" me a sunder
pushed me to the floor
taken my innocence
and came back for more "come back"... personally though I think this is a weak line that didn't add much
pushed me off of my cliff
seen maybe "watched" would be more active than "seen"... the sense I get is death should really be taunting you me fly without wings
crashing to the earth
it seams is this "seems"? If so, a weak line and not really necessary
that death has moved in
taken up residences no "s"
inside me
darkened my perspective
blacken my nights
moved in for the kill
only to be stalked and stricken
itself by my will to survive
will I die yes we all do
but death can keep calling
and I will say ado "adieu"? the line seems a tad forced
death may have my name
but I have his tail Really like these two lines
and if I say jump that
bitch surely will