08-27-2012, 04:43 AM
The third line could simply shave the word "in".
I do think the "the" in the sixth line is effective, but weighs on the music somewhat unless you take out the "then" that starts the seventh line. The reason why "the" or having no word there is more effective than the "his" or "her" that someone else mentioned is that "he" or "her" adds at least a subtle touch of warmth that defeats the effect of hopelessness we find in the biting "edges of the wind" and the reiterated "searching".
If the subject is merely a means of practicing a particular poetic form, then some of what I'm saying is useless. But if this poem can have a musical flow distinctly for its use, I have these few ideas.
There are pauses, for breath and thought; and stresses of meaning that can guide the rhythm and the sense of meaning, when something is truly being expressed. Punctutation, even italics; and a sense of character mood or colloquial stressing of tone can allow the speaking voice to be heard rather than merely read. Reading it out loud, and having someone else read it out loud could help with this if that's possible.
For whate'er reason that you chose
To give up the empty beauty where you hide, ?
The rest of the poem seems rushed. I think the form limited the expression, and you got bored with it. That happens sometimes, so it's best to find a more suitable way to express what you have to say. If you don't have anything to say, it shows in a poem; but it's understood that you're experimenting with the form here, and if those feelings expressed have real substance with you, I'd suggest letting them guide you in your revisions rather than any arbitrary standards.
I do think the "the" in the sixth line is effective, but weighs on the music somewhat unless you take out the "then" that starts the seventh line. The reason why "the" or having no word there is more effective than the "his" or "her" that someone else mentioned is that "he" or "her" adds at least a subtle touch of warmth that defeats the effect of hopelessness we find in the biting "edges of the wind" and the reiterated "searching".
If the subject is merely a means of practicing a particular poetic form, then some of what I'm saying is useless. But if this poem can have a musical flow distinctly for its use, I have these few ideas.
There are pauses, for breath and thought; and stresses of meaning that can guide the rhythm and the sense of meaning, when something is truly being expressed. Punctutation, even italics; and a sense of character mood or colloquial stressing of tone can allow the speaking voice to be heard rather than merely read. Reading it out loud, and having someone else read it out loud could help with this if that's possible.
For whate'er reason that you chose
To give up the empty beauty where you hide, ?
The rest of the poem seems rushed. I think the form limited the expression, and you got bored with it. That happens sometimes, so it's best to find a more suitable way to express what you have to say. If you don't have anything to say, it shows in a poem; but it's understood that you're experimenting with the form here, and if those feelings expressed have real substance with you, I'd suggest letting them guide you in your revisions rather than any arbitrary standards.