Breathless

[rowens]

It's important that the poet here cares about the subject, and wants to maintain that feeling in the writing. Caring about the speaker's experience as important to the integrity of the poem. But then there's the theory of technique. What you could try is shaving "to freedom", "slow", and "diluted" from the first stanza. The ending, a muddled ball of dying senses is trying in your last lines to make a clear statement, that is fine. Another example to think on: floating All I have left is in eternity... where everything is black.